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"Malty-Cultural" Experience For Bubba
by Dr. David "The Scotch Doc" McCoy
[Setting: About a month after the release of the much heralded
film, "Braveheart," the thirty-five year-old bartender, Bubba,
gawks in disbelief at what he sees. Benny Dale, a truck driver
and native resident of Possum Holler, has come into "Bubba's
Bar" -- wearing a Scottish kilt.]
Benny Dale: (A-gawk with open mouth and bugged eyes) My God-a-mighty!!
Yeah Bubba, this is me. Now shut chyore mouth and stick 'em
blood-shot eyeballs back in 'er sockets.
Naw, Bubba, this ain't no dang skirt. It's one a them kilts.
Now, Bubba, I know ye don't git out much but Jez-us Christ didn't
chu ever see thet pitcher show, "Brave Heart?"
Bubba, you better wipe 'at stupid grin off'n yer face right
now 'fore I take you out behind this tin shed an' rearrange
tha hip pockets on 'em overalls of yourn with my big foot.
Naw, Bubba, I didn't go and buy this danged garb. It wuz all
the idee of the "little woman." I tell ye Bubba, she seen 'at
pitcher show and went plumb ape over that feller Mel Gibbs,
or whatever they call 'im. You know, without a-tellin' me a
word, she mailed off ta one o' them mail order catalogs, to
Glass-gow, and got me this rig for our twentieth anniversary
celebration tonight. I'm a-tellin' ye Bubba, ye cudda knocked
me over with a feather. You know, Bubba, I jes cudn't tell 'er
that I wudn't wear it. I swear, if'n ye cudda seen tha look
on 'at little gal's face when she handed me this thang, you'd
know whur I'm a-comin' from. I jest cuddn't let 'er down, Bubba.
An' ye know what, Bubba? She went an' ordered me the nicest
li'l squirrel-skinnin' knife you ever seen 'at she sez goes
with this rig. But, Bubba, she's a tad mixed up, I thank. She
told me I wuz s'posed to wear it in my sock. Can you believe
'at? My dang foot's already gittin sore.
Now, Bubba, she's down at "Lu Lu's Cut 'N' Kurl" gittin all
purttied up. When she comes to pick me up in a little bit, you
best make like you really thank this thang looks good. You know
they ain't nuthin I wouldn't do fer that li'l gal. Er ye a-hearin'
me, Bubba?
Dadgummit Bubba, if'n you don't quit a-lookin' at my knees and
a-grinnin,' I'm gonna feed jew a knuckle sandwich. Now, pour
me one o' them fancy Scotch sangle malts ye got over thar.
Whadda mean, "huh?" Hell, Bubba, it's some o' that fancy Scotch
booze 'at costs an arm an' a leg. Doncha know nothin 'bout tat
foreign hootch? But what ta hell, I'm a-celebratin' with tha
little lady tonight. Yeah, you do have some, too! Matter-of-fact,
thar's four or five of 'em on 'at back row it looks like. Hell,
I see 'em over in the fer corner thar behind ye, Bubba. Gimmie
a glass o' that Mac-Allan stuff. But first, you be shore'n wipe
all 'at crud off 'at bottle neck 'fore you pour my drank now.
I wunder when wuz the last time anybody took a drank outta one
of them bottles?
Yeah, Bubba, I know this stuff cost more. Hell, they gotta ship
'em all ta way from Scot-land, ya know? That's plumb across
tha ocean, Bubba. That's gotta cost sumpthin. What ta heck,
though, me and the li'l lady is a-celebratin' tonight. She's
worth ever' dollar.
My God, Bubba! Lookit ta names on 'em other bottles. Glen Livet,
Glen Fiddich, Glen Grant and Glen Moorangie. You know, Bubba,
seems as if'n them Scotch folks got more "Glen's" over thar
than we got Billy's, Bob's and Bubba's 'round here.
H-mmmmm, Bubba, this stuff smells mighty good. Wunder wha ta
hell it tastes like?
Woo-o-ee! Oh-mi-God! Bubba, this stuff's as smo-o-o-th as a
baby's butt. I'm tellin' ye, Bubba, this here Scotch booze is
even better'n 'at stuff ole man McCoy makes and puts in 'em
barrels for a few days 'fore he'll sell ye any. Now ye know
how pa'ticlar he's always been 'bout his whiskey. Why ain't
chu never told me 'bout tis stuff before?
Ye don't know? Well, yer s'posed ta know, Bubba. Yore the 'ficial
- hell yore tha only bartender in these here parts. We all kinda
'spect you to keep up on good booze fer us an' I'm a tellin'
ye, ole man McCoy don't make the best whiskey, least-wise not
anymore. Hey, gimmie a nuther one a them Mac Allans fore the
li'l lady gits here.
Dang it, Bubba, yore a-grinnin' agin'.
Whaddaya mean, "tha boys are gonna thank I'm a sissy in this
here kilt?" Bubba, if'n y'all cudda seen 'at picture show, "Brave
Heart," you'da seen 'at Mel Gibbs feller an' a bunch of his
hillbilly buddies a kickin' a whole buncha Royal butt all over
that Scot-land. And you know what, Bubba? They all wuz a-wearin'
these here kilts. Them Scot-land hillbillies wuz some kinda
bad dudes and wuz a fightin' in outfits jes like I'm a-wearin.
You gotta go see 'at pitcher show, Bubba.
Oh Lordy, Bubba, that's her a-honkin' fer me now. This is a-gonna
be some kinda weddin' anniversary celebration. Ye know, Bubba,
it jes might be that tis here kilt could be mighty handy for
some kinds of celebratin' - if'n ye know what I mean? Oh Lordy,
it jus' struck me, Bubba. Thar's an ol' Arkansas boy up thar
in Washington 'at I keep hearin' 'bout that jes might find one
o' these here kilt outfits real handy, if'n ye know what I mean.
See ye later, now.
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